Chronic illness - whose fault?

There are many people who believe that if you get cancer or autoimmune conditions or any number of horrors, you somehow brought it upon yourself. You didn't eat enough antioxidants. You didn't go to therapy to purge your anger at your bullying/cold/abusive/neglectful parent; you didn't deal with sexual abuse as a child; you need but refuse "anger management" therapy; you're a Type A personality; you don't stand up for youself. And so on and so forth.

I have often meditated on this because I have had since childhood quite a few maladies. I had a callous doctor as a child who told me bluntly it was "all in my head" and then he would refuse to help me. In adulthood the illnesses have continued to mount and to grow more serious. The thing is, those childhood maladies were, in fact, probably related to stress and not having the tools to deal with it. To think how my life would turned out if he had continued to think about my case in a constructive way and guided me to the nearby biofeedback lab at the local hospital where he did rounds every week! Because I don't know the true cause of my current sufferings, I can only wonder.

Eckhart Tolle, the mystic and visionary, has thought about chronic illness and how it fits into the bigger picture of one's life. I have read a number of books and articles aimed at those who suffer chronic illnesses - they run the gamut from "you got a case of bad luck, plain and simple" to "it was in your genes" to a well-meaning "you brought it upon yourself" (though they phrase it in a roundabout way, such as I described above). I could pull out any number of helpful quotes from the wiser of these sources, but here's a quote from Eckhart Tolle's newest book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, p.57. He speaks from a background in Hinduism especially, though he has been influenced by all the great spiritual paths. I can also relate to what he talks about when he refers to the ego because I have read extensively about Jungian thought about how the subconscious and conscious work. Here it goes:

"It is not just people who with good or near-perfect bodies who are likely to equate it with who they are. You can just as easily identify with a "problematic" body and make the body's imperfection illness or disability into your identity. You may then speak of yourself as a "sufferer" of this or that chronic illness or disability. You receive a great deal of attention from doctors and others who constantly confirm to you your conceptual identity as a sufferer or a patient. You then unconsciously cling to the illness because it has become the most important part of who you perceive yourself to be. It has become another thought form with which the ego can identify. Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let it go. Amazingly, but not infrequently, the ego in search of a stronger identity can and does create illnesses in order to strengthen itself through them."

Note that Tolle doesn't blame the person for getting sick. He notes that everybody - sick and well - tend to identify with their bodies. Both groups face the challenge of freeing themselves from the tight grip the ego places on a person's soul. His two major books, this one and the earlier The Power of Now are guides for spiritul growth which include dealing with the tricks of the ego. He doesn't promise that you will no longer have MS or cancer or diabetes; instead he promises serenity.

Remember the "Serenity Prayer" by Niebuhr, which was adapted by Alcoholics Anonymous?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

So many paths of wisdom point to the same things, do they not? Eckhart's definition of serenity is on a different plane from the AA version, but they both reflect the common human need to be released from suffering, with the key being that hard-to-define concept of "serenity."

Here's another quote, which I think pertains to my thoughts this day. It's from the mystic Meister Eckhart (no relation!):

"God is not found in the soul by adding anything but by subtracting."

I think true health, which I equate with serenity and spiritual development, is found not by adding doctors and cures and regimens and religious rites and so forth, but by shedding the things which come between you and God. Things like the fierce grip of the ego.

I guess what I'm saying is that illness is not one's fault, any more than childhood abuse is. The child is a helpless target. And I'm not saying chronically ill people should toss their medicines and fire all their doctors. But undertaking spiritual growth in a way that opens doors and sheds unnecessary inner demons is the way to making peace with your body and finding a new identity other than "Patient." Being a chronic "patient" means being way too patient with one's identity as a sick person!

One time I was in the grip of a terrible depression. I wasn't working at the time, and I often whiled away the time by watching movies I found at the local public library. One sad morning I sat down to watch Hannah and Her Sisters, one of Woody Allen's really good films. It was watching Woody Allen's psychosomatic character desperately try all sorts of ways to find a cure for what ailed him that got me thinking about myself in a new way - laughing at myself in a kind way. I began to laugh - really laugh - for the first time in months, and by the end of the movie, that particular depression was cured.

I do wonder if I'll ever shake my illnesses or whether they will hasten my demise. But I'm becoming more aware of the inner battles going on as part of me fiercely clings to my illnesses. Is it because the illnesses in my childhood brought positive attention from my mother? Is it because my ego has locked onto that sort of identity because the ego will lock onto anyplace weak in order to thrive? I'm still working on this, but so many things I encounter that seem wise seem to point to the practices of meditation and creativity. And that is a subject for another day.